WRITTEN: 22nd February 2010

Hey bitches!
Well the first thing I’m going to get off my chest is my recent departure from Poptastic. Of course, tongues wagged and I heard the most outrageous rumours and I got bombarded with questions. Everyone loves a gossip (myself included) and it would have been much more juicy if I had been sacked for drinking the bar dry or molesting emos in the indie room or something like that. The truth however, is really quite dull!

For nearly two fantastic years I partied my fake titties off to the point where my feet were beginning to resemble Posh Spice’s in the Heat magazine “circle of shame”. Honestly, the weight of a six foot bloke dancing in heels to Riverside Motherf*cker does not do your bunions any good!

And it wasn’t just my feet that suffered… after tucking it between my legs (and then wrapping it round my ankle) for so long I started to think that I’d never be able to have any kids!

So I decided to become a male female-to-male trannysexual, have a break… have a Kit-Kat!
Some people even asked if I was going to “kill Flangela off?”. I had toyed with the idea, you know, BIG tragedy involving a synthetic wig, a hairdryer and a bottle of spirit-gum… camp funeral, but that’s just me being an attention seeking theatrical whore!

Bottom line (think Schwarzenegger) I’ll be back (in a camp Mancunian voice) doesn’t really work does it?!

I’ve recently taken up a new hobby… Cocktail making! Yes, I know its like the obese person taking up cake baking, but it really is a fine art! After years of gulping bottles of alcopops, my tutor (who works at Harvey Nichols cocktail bar) has now retrained my palate and… (posh voice) “By gosh Jilly Goolden, is that a whiff of hollyhox or is that your job on the line?”.